Happiest. Chick. Ever.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." —Mahatma Gandhi

Okay. So. Was the tone of my last blog (http://beeatree.blogspot.ca/2013/07/why-i-go-to-therapy-and-you-should-too.html?spref=fb) upbeat and hopeful? That was my intention...

Buuut in the spirit of mental health being a somewhat squeamish subject for some of you, I've decided to write a follow-up piece about how I am currently living the way I intend to MOST OF THE TIME IN MOST AREAS OF MY LIFE!

Have you any idea how miraculous this is?! It means that all that needs to shift in order to be living EXACTLY as I intend to is the scale.

Here's how it shakes down:

*I am writing my Truth and telling it to the world. Approximately SIX HUNDRED of you are reading my truth and to you I am deeply, staggeringly and humbly  grateful. Thank you. A lot.

*I teach yoga one night a week. About a dozen of you are devoted students. About fifty of you are semi-regular. Some of you have come once and not liked it very much. Some of you have thought about coming half a dozen times but Survivor was on. Some of you didn't know I was a yoga teacher prior to reading this post. You will find teachers who are stronger, bendier, balancier than me. But I deeply love the transformative power of this practice and I am thrilled to be able to share it with you.

I'm sending the biggest blessing I have to every single one of you that I practice with. Or will practice with to any degree. Or not. I bow to you. I bow to my colleagues all over the world who are spreading the good word. I bow as deeply as a person can bow to my teachers.

PS you are ALL my teachers.

*I have the most inspiring, kindest, most forgiving, non-judgemental, supportive, talented, funniest, amazingest fiance ever. Really. Best of everything. I recently thanked his mom for him. Everyone who has met him will testify. He really is the best human*

*with the exception of my daughter. If there is a cooler human than her, I've yet to encounter him/her. My fiance agrees.

*We grow some of our own food. Lettuce, kale, spinach (which didn't really turn out, but we eat it anyway). Soon-to-be wax beans. Some herbs that I planted and can't identify because I chucked them in pots and rows without rhyme or labels. We eat organic meat and some tofu and when we're not eating quinoa every night, we're eating bacon because it makes us happy.

In the spirit of full disclosure, we still eat sugar. But we both drink a green thing every day.

*I practice yoga (fairly) regularly, eat (mostly) really clean, meditate with deep devotional gratitude. And I feel DAMN good.  I've been thinner (which usually means that I'm stressed right out and not eating). I'm not without jiggle. But I'm in my body and it's a conversation instead of a civil war between my ass and my self esteem. I don't define my love for myself (or lack thereof) by the number on the scale. In fact, I threw my scale in the garbage. I haven't weighed myself in years. This is a big deal for me. I used to weigh myself at least three times a day and judge myself HARD. I love myself more than that now.

This is a hard-earned happiness. I've earned it and I'm appreciating every single second. I only have to get slightly pissy before I realize that I have everything I could ever want.

So. Why is this chick telling us how crazy she is one day and then how happy she is the next? Because, Dear Reader. I want you to be happy too. I want you to hear it from someone who's been to the dark and back. This happiness is available to you once you survive whatever it is you're going through.

Rooting for you,

-Er

Why I go to Therapy (and you should too)

-Emma Forrest Your Voice in my Head (which is, incidentally, a brilliant memoir about therapy)

I've been at least moderately messed up for a good chunk of my adult life. More disastrous than some, less of a train wreck than others. Sometimes just an endearing little f*ck-up. Sometimes an outwardly together, closeted basket-case. Sometimes in full-on breakdown to the point that my friend, J affectionately calls me, "Roadkill".

 

 

"Erin, people escape themselves through the over-indulgence in drugs, alcohol, television, food, books, sex, work, exercise...what's your addiction?" -My First Therapist

-Me (in response)
"Do I have to pick just one?"

 

I've been in and out of therapy various times for various reasons in various degrees of f*ck-up-edness so I'm in a perfect position to recommend it to you.

 

Gentle Reader. You do not need therapy because you are some kind of broken. YOU ARE A DIVINE PIECE OF LIFE'S GRANDEST HOPES FOR ITSELF. Chances are, you've forgotten this tidbit. I forgot it a few times and therein lies the trouble.

 

"Erin, do you know what you're REALLY addicted to?" -My Second Therapist

-Me (in response)
"uh....."

"drama." - My Second Therapist (in response to my slack-jawed response)

-Me

"Ouch...yeah..."

Hi, my name is Erin and I'm a drama-holic

 

 

My ego really used to run the whole show. It's a clever little ego.

 

 

 

Sometimes I forgot about Real Love altogether and focused every ounce of my energy on what A Course in Miracles calls  the "special relationship". Essentially the special relationship is when my ego gets together with another ego and we have this big, dramatic ego dance. If you are me, you eventually run straight for the hills and straight into another even specialer relationship.

 

Therapy has brought me closer to my real self. It has given me a dialogue to have with myself and my loved ones which gets me closer to what ACIM calls a "Holy Relationship" which means that rather than our egos doing the whiny poopy baby dance, our Spirits get to hang out for the sole purpose of getting us closer who we truly are.

 

It's a far preferable option. 

 

 (not even trying to make crazy eyes...)

Some Things I love About Therapy.

(And I think you will too)

 

1. It is intense self-care

 

We've very nearly gotten to the point where we can justify carving out time to care for our bodies without apologising for it. Doesn't it stand to reason that our minds and hearts deserve just as much TLC? There's still a stigma attached, but let's just ditch that for good. It's not serving anybody to fake happy.

 

2. It's an investment

 

Think of it this way: in therapy, you're spending your money on an hour's worth of conversation about anything that's stuck in your craw with someone who has no agenda other than your successful journey into yourself.

 

**Yes, I'm sure there are some less than reputable people in this profession. I've noticed, however that when I put the sincere intention out there to find a trustworthy guide, one always shows up.**

 

3. It's probably covered

 

I'll bet that if you have extended benefits through work (in BC) that you have some coverage available for counselling.

 

If not, look into it at your University, community mental health organisation, religious organisation or speak with your physician. There's coverage available for this stuff, people! Lets use it!

 

4. Insight

 

"Erin, you put other people's feelings ahead of your own"

Do you do this too? It's generally thought of as a positive, generous way to show up in the world, right? Except if, like me, it means that you stay in a situation looooooong after it's stopped serving you to the point of self-destruction.

 

Therapists point this stuff out.  (So does Nina Simone)

 

 

 

Maybe this isn't your particular hang-up. Maybe your hang-up is something completely different. It probably is. But paying someone to spell it out for you is mightily helpful when it comes to healing those bastard hang-ups.

 

*Note: I am also an enthusiastic over-reactor

 

 

I had undiagnosed depressive episodes several times in my life, until my therapist told me:

 

-You're not sleeping

-You can't concentrate (I hadn't read a novel in SIX MONTHS)

-You're not eating

-You get every single cold bug that floats around on the breeze?

 

These weren't questions. He was straight up telling me.

 

It was such a relief. As my friend, J says, "You can't hit what you can't see." I couldn't see it until I talked to someone who knew the score.

 

5. You. Are. Whole.

 

Did I mention that already? It bears repeating. Sometimes we need to be reminded by someone who has made his/her life's work to care.

 

If you're anything like me (and I'm going to go ahead and assume that you are to some degree since you're reading my blog) you're on a lifelong quest into the heart of yourself. How you get there is up to you.  As Gandhi said, "Truth is one, paths are many". It can be a tough slog. Uphill, both ways, barefoot in the snow. If you're on this trek, guaranteed you will occasionally put barriers in your own way. So why not use every, single resource at your disposal in order to fumble your way toward grace?

 

Perhaps you're wondering, "Why is she telling the world all about her foibles?"

I really just want you to feel less alone. If we're all authentic with one another about our bruises, we can at the very least bear witness to one another's struggles and realize that we're all in it together.

”I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.” ~ Gandhi

 

Got your back,

 

-Er