Home Sweet...Everything...

“Home is the nicest word there is.”
― Laura Ingalls Wilder

I am completely hooked on home right now. (I've always been kind of a homebody, but it's really on steroids these days). There's nowhere else on Earth I can imagine feeling more peaceful than I do when I'm at home these days. There's nowhere I'd rather be.

This house has been witness to so many of my stories. Indeed, I haven't lived in a place as long as this since I left my parents house, three months after my eighteenth birthday. (Admittedly, I have gone back a few times for varying length - the longest of which was December to August when I was nineteen). **


But I digress. We're talking about my home now. Where I've been divorced and dumped and ditched (and done a little bit of ditching myself). I've cried and learned more lessons than I care to share at the moment.

Some things I've learned while living in my house:

- If you have carpet in your kitchen, your child will vomit orange soda and hot dogs on said carpet (even if that's not what you fed her).

-If you install new carpets two weeks prior to getting a new puppy, you are crazy (no one would do this except me, right?!)

-A good housekeeper is worth her weight in gold and then some.


In spite of its rich history, our home is my only real craving these days (red velvet cupcakes notwithstanding). Perhaps because we've been so busy. All three of us going in different directions. Perhaps it's because my daughter and I are leaving for Europe in ten days and won't see my fiance (or the dog!!) for two whole weeks. I know. No one feels sorry for me.

It could also be because home is WONDERFUL.

Wanna know one of my favourite things about home right now (there are many)?!

I LIVE WITH ANOTHER WRITER!!

Top Three Awesomest Things about Living with Another Writer:

1. Shame. When your partner is writing and you are not, you feel like you should be. This shame is mutually beneficial and highly motivational.

2. Inspiration. My partner is a completely brilliant song writer which is not the way my brain works at all. I am in constant awe of his passion and dedication to his talent.

3. Understanding. I am not doing the dishes right now because I am writing. My love understands. In fact, he routinely picks up after me without complaint. I'm a lucky little chicken.

I often have to remind myself to live in this moment, particularly with end-of-school craziness and no sign of life slowing down in the foreseeable future.

I have to make myself take the time to sit down on our porch swing (get used to hearing about it) even though it's not that nice out. It's important to feel the wet grass on my toes and the wind blowing my hair into my lip gloss because life does speed by.

So. What's so great about home?

- My heinous sweatpants (my fiance calls them my Give Up Pants)

- The garden!! (I planted kale! And fennel! My dad called me a hippie for the fennel but it's worth it)

- The aforementioned porch swing

- The 100 year old lilac hedge

- The people who live with me. Including fur people.

Was there ever a better time for a John Denver break? I think not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJUnnnXg_oY


Are you in love with home?

What does "home" mean to you?

Be it ever so humble,

Er

**Note I have to be very precise with certain details because my parents routinely scan this blog for historical accuracy. Unless you are in my immediate family, nothing about this detail is interesting or relevant.

Some Things I Learned from the Shadow...

"The panic of the Depression loosened my inhibitions against being different. I could be myself." - Emanuel Celler.

I read this quote on Facebook a few days ago. Except when I read it, my eyes saw "The panic of depression loosened my inhibitions against being different. I could be myself."

I chuckled to myself when I realized my reading error, but not before I realized just how true it was for me. The misread, I mean. (Not that I'm minimizing the strife of The Depression or in any way comparing my own largely self-created dramas to something so large and impactful.)

It is true though. My own foray into the shadows brought me more clarity than I have ever obtained during kinder times.

I feel much more liberty to be my Self since I fell completely apart.

Here's the short version of the descent:

I took a job at a drug and alcohol detox facility in order. I thought I could be of service...

My therapist warned me: "You can do this job. But only if you check in a lot."

This is not a story about how good I was at checking in... In fact, I pretty much handed the reins over to my ego and said, "Yeehaw!"

 I was so permeable. I loved every client. Even the ones I hated. They went right through me.

I stopped sleeping.

And eating.

Needless to say, I didn't meditate much and I completely avoided my therapist for several months.

I broke up with my long-time on/off boyfriend. (which would end up being a necessary step but caused a lot of stress at the time).

I promptly took up with someone who was horribly physically and emotionally abusive.

I flipped my truck on the highway.

I was taken down with a horrible sinus infection + double ear infection.

And then, I completely cracked. I went to my best friend, my parents and my therapist. I told them the truth - that I was completely lost in the woods with no way to find my the path home. Not without help. I was sick and thin and pale and broken. I had done a reasonable job of hiding it. I'm a pretty decent actress (or maybe I just fooled myself and no one else).

I could go back another few years:

My marriage fell apart before my daughter turned two.

I suddenly became a single mother (I was making $12 an hour at the time). Thank God my daughter has been so very patient with me.

I had a disastrous affair with an older man which left me almost irreparably heart sick (and with mono followed by pneumonia).

I hurt people. I hurt myself.

These are among the darkest times of my life. I relay them even though it makes me the villain of my own story because I find it impossible to even begin to convince you that I could be the heroine of my own story without first relaying my villainy.

Because of this darkness, I found my yoga. Hallelujah! That love story will be a story for another time but suffice it to say that it was instrumental in learning to love myself again.

Because of all the lies I heard from myself and others, I am all the more truthful with my thoughts and words.

After my most recent (and lowest) low. I went to my doctor. He diagnosed me as having a major depressive episode. It was such a relief to pull all the disparate seeming symptoms together and put a name to them. He put me on Cipralex. It helped almost immediately. I could at least see the path again.

I took an entire month off work and practiced gentle yoga therapy with my brilliant teacher. I received Reiki treatments from my friend, P. I got massages and manicures. I walked my daughter to school. I spent time with my kindest and most insightful friends. I went to bed early and slept through the night. I reconnected.

It was a humbling experience to hit my knees.

And yet...

I think the darkness takes my ridiculously happy Now from trite to poignant in the same way that my breakdown took me from cocky to humble.

He (my Love, not my puppy) has had his own wrestles with shadows. The specifics are not for me to share, but suffice it to say that neither one of us is exempt from the fragility of this time of our lives that is so filled with light.

We are tender with it and with each other. We regularly take time to appreciate its rare beauty. It is the first snowflake of the year landing on your black mitten. God has spared no detail in its perfection and we extol this loveliness often. We have been low enough to appreciate this high for what it is. It is nothing short of miraculous. We bow to the presence that created it and pat one another on the back for surviving the lessons that lead us here, separately so we could revel in it together.

Authenticity requires a certain vigilance, doesn't it? Any time we become complacent, the shadow is right there, ready to snatch us from our sleep and cause our heart to race.

How do you stay vigilant? What lessons are you grateful for? How about the times you took the wrong road and ended up in the right place anyway?


Humbly,

Er

Growing...

A garden is a grand teacher. It teaches patience and careful watchfulness; it teaches industry and thrift; above all it teaches entire trust.

Gertrude Jekyll

We are in transition at our house. Not only is our family growing and learning our new places and roles, not only is our baby girl growing bigger by the second, but my fiance and I have both been seized by an insane desire to live with and on the land a little more each day.

It's really quite yogic in concept and will be old news to those of you who've been cooking perfect quinoa for years.

This just in: we feel better when we eat healthier!

We've been going gluten freeish. There's nothing militant about it. We ate brown rice noodles and organic free-range meatballs the other night. We're neither vegans nor entirely gluten free.

...we even...eat sugar...

Cue the theme from Psycho!!!

My dear friend, P calls herself, "Wheat Free, Meat Free, but not Sweet Free". We try to abide rather loosely by her model.

And, damn! It feels really good.

You know what else feels good?! Connecting with our food. On an emotional and psychological level, we're getting to know the food we eat a little more intimately. We grow a bit. We make a little more by from scratch.

Mom (last Sunday via text):  u might be becoming a hippie.

Me: Becoming? I'm a yoga teacher...

Mom: Yes, but now u make ur own granola too.

It's true. We eat salad grown in our backyard and have had no less than five conversations this week about wheat grass. A juicer is the only item on our wedding gift wish list.

Mom (Monday via text): What do u you want for ur birthday?

Me: How do you get your question mark to go upside down?

Me: I want a lemon tree. Or a juicer. Or a stand-up mixer.

Mom (after several minutes): A lemon tree??

Mom: Seriously:

Me: Yes. A Meyer lemon tree. They're sweeter.

Mom: where does one buy a lemon tree?

Me: On the internet.

Mom: hippie.

My love and I were swinging on our porch swing recently, discussing all the things we want for and from our home and yard. Lattice to shelter us from the illegal trailer park which has cropped up in the half lot next door. Enough wood to last at least three winters (so it can dry properly and heat efficiently). Oh. And a wood stove to burn said wood.

And then, we stopped for a moment to appreciate the fact that our yard will never be 100% complete but it's been the perfect place to grow our family in.

The yard isn't finished. We have a lot of lettuce and a bit of spinach in the garden (aaand...not much else). But nothing was even there a year ago so it's producing beautifully by comparison.

Besides which, fun things happen back there...

Yes, we're happy little hippies who come home from yoga class and head inside for a mostly gluten-free meal when it gets too cold out to sit on the porch swing and dream.

And then we pound through a bag of Swedish Berries while watching Game of Thrones.

Are you in transition?

What are you doing to get a little closer to that pie-in-the-sky lifestyle?

Keep on Growin',

Er

Why I joined the PTA (and other mysteries)...

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning

My daughter is in her last week of kindergarten. I can't stress how quickly this has all passed me by. Truly lightning speed. She's growing out her bangs and wants to walk into the school with her BFF (hint: not me).

How did this happen? It seems like seconds ago I was frantically searching for five minutes to have a shower. When "Mommy's special alone time" consisted of a trip to the dentist to have my wisdom teeth removed.

She still thinks I'm the coolest. Please, God I still have a few more years of that. She still wants me when she's bonked her head or had a bad dream. But there's no mistaking it. She's growing up at a faster rate than I can comprehend.

I don't want to miss it.

I've been working hard all her life to ensure we're not homeless (a mild exaggeration. Surely her grandparents would have taken pity on us). It's been a worthy and necessary pursuit. But as she ages (rapidly) I feel like I've been missing the mark.

Surely I'm the only mother who's ever felt this way (!!!)

And so, when my friend S asked me to join the Parent Advisory Council at my daughter's school next Fall, naturally I said, "Not on your life, sister."

After which she asked me again and I said, "Ok".  (she's a tough negotiator, that S)

Let me break it down a little bit. I have two jobs, a cat, a dog, a new fiance and the aforementioned super child. I have friends and family who occasionally like to see me. I volunteer more than I should for causes I can't say no to. I bring work home and work overtime.

I seriously DO NOT have time for PTA.

And yet...and yet she's growing up so fast. So fast. And this mama is trying to keep up.

So you're lookin' at the brand new secretary for the Amy Woodland Parent Advisory Council. I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm going to be involved in the goings on at my kid's school because she's so important to me.

Five minutes from now, when she's all grown up and moved on to much cooler people, I really hope she'll say, "My mom really gave a sh*t about me. She didn't just keep me from dumpster diving for my meals. She didn't just work two jobs to buy my tutus. She cared enough to join the PAC against all her better judgement."

At least...that's what I'm hoping for.


Anyone else feeling nostalgic about the end of school?

Anyone else feel the stark reality of time's passage?

Teach your children well,

Er

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

It's a very good place to start...

Unless (like yours' truly) you don't know quite where the beginning begins.  And then you just jump right in and start from where you're at.

I'm sorry to say that where I'm at is an absurdly happy place. Perhaps the beginning is not such a happy place. I promise to share that part as well. The not-so-happy corners of this life have made the absurdly happy view from the lovely perch on which I currently sit all the more lovely.

So. Let's see if we can manage a starting place.

I am in love and I'm going to get married.

No! Wait! Don't go!

It's an almost ridiculously fairytale chapter in my otherwise dramedy of a life. And such an appropriately yogic end to my tale of romantic strife. I searched for...millenia (lifetime upon lifetime not to mention the disaster film of my twenties in this lifetime). And here it is. Waiting for me.

I'll tell you some of my disastrous dating history, just so you don't think I'm some ridiculous sap and never come back...

Wanna start with online dating? I learned a lot from that.

My Top 5 Online Dating Disasters (in no particular order)

1). Plentyoffish.com is its very own special disaster for women. (You know what I'm talking about).
I was matched with a nice-looking fellow. We agreed to meet for drinks after work. When I got there, he was already hammered and had neglected to mention that half his face had been caved in during an unfortunate bar fight. After one drink. he asked me to drive him to his brothers' house so he could pass out. (Note from my much cleverer friend, L who met her handsome husband online several years ago: always webcam prior to actually meeting).

2). A very rich man + a $200 bottle of wine + some troubles in his "down there department" + being blamed and yelled at for his troubles  = me fleeing a very fancy hotel in the middle of the night and swearing off all dating for about six months.

3). A very handsy first date with a spanker (????). Which would have been bad enough had the hands in question not been the size of dinner plates (another six months)

4). A very kind guy with no fingers (and, as such, no job).

5). Another very kind man in whom I had zero interest due to mitigating circumstances, who nonetheless attempted to kiss me. And missed. Twice. (This one kept me off the scene for about a year).

There are just a few of the lowlights. I'm sure we'll share many more during our time together.

And now when I share my happiness, you'll know I've earned it.

I'm so excited to share this conversation with you xo

Tell me your disasters!

Tell me your love stories...and  I'll tell you mine.

Blessings,

Er